TLDR: I’m kinda non-binary pan.
I don’t want to pretend I’m anything beyond the description “mostly straight cis male”.
But even if you’re comfortable with yourself, life always throws something at you where you’d really appreciate a proper label to use in some cases. No matter how badly you want to resist, there are way-way-way too many examples of binary cis hetero-normativity in life to keep you comfortable if you can’t relate to that.
I may not be able to say I’m gay or bi or pan, nor can I say I’m trans or fluid. But what I can say, is that I do Not feel straight, I do Not feel cis.
When you grow up there’s always shit other kids throw at you if you don’t conform the standard. I was one of those kids that people thought was gay. Luckily, where I live, most kids, did not usually mean it as an insult, most of them usually were like “it’s ok if you are, but like, are you gay?”. Having heard that said to me many times, I’ve quickly learned to be non-defensive about it, I answered “no”, that’s all.
Later in life people assume you’re gay instead of asking, and at that point I was fine with them thinking that. Because really, I slowly started to understand that usually it was just based on the level of femininity I’ve shown, and I was ok with me being like that. I didn’t want to be more masculine. And later in life you actually understand that they were even wrong with directly correlating femininity with being gay.
Even before my hair was this long, people on either the phone or in real life sometimes have called me madam, I never found myself correcting them, because I didn’t mind.
You’re never really done with learning about yourself, as I hope you’re also never really done learning anything else for that matter.
But here’s my identity so far:
I often think about I would want to say that I really wouldn’t have minded if I was born a girl. But I’ve learned to be happy with who I am, like I am now, even though I dislike a lot of things about the actual body I have, my happiness doesn’t depend on it. I have moments where I get really inspired to be a girl, but knowing myself I know I would be way too lazy and would rather spend the little time I have on other things that make me really happy.
I’m straight by habit and girls are a large weakness for me since forever, but the more I get used to it, the more I feel myself falling for any gender. But again, strange as it may sound, I learned to be happy without needing to be in such a relationship, or rather, I unlearned the because I found out that, for me personally, that learning to love made every other kind of romantic feeling feel rather small in comparison. Having a major crush on someone feels nice (and horrible), sure, but it doesn’t really last. So I’m ok with learning to love people and not to have a partner of some kind. For now.
I don’t have a label I can put on these things, and really, that doesn’t feel great. But while I figure that out for myself, I can at least put this out there. I really hope that other people like me don’t fall into the trap of forcing yourself into binary straight box when you know deep down you aren’t like that.
I’m not the activist type, but I do hope you at least not help feeding into assuming gender and sexuality like so many people do. I might not have struggled that much, but others have while trying to fit themselves into this binary world. Growing up is hard enough as it is, we don’t need this binary and hetero-normativity nonsense to add to it.